some people who get depressed kill themselves
others change sexual orientation or find religion
i write on my website

i'm tired and sad and there's nobody to talk to, so i talk to the computer and post it on the internet for everyone to read. in retrospect, kind of a stupid move, but, hey, i'm kind of a stupid person. stop looking at me, i always walk like this.

i listened to placebo's without you i'm nothing all the way through in the car today. it was all stormy and really kind of mope-inducing, and i went on a wacky internal spirit quest type thing wondering about the nature of god and life and what the hell the point really is. i'm losing faith in myself, but gaining it at the same time. years ago, i had my brain, but even that's fading now. all semblance of stability just goes *poof* and i have no clue what's happening and i just want to sleep, sleep for a long time and never wake up.

no i don't want to kill myself, that would cause pain to others, and how shitty would that be of me. quite. i think that if i could die without hurting anyone else, i would do it, just to calm myself. death is purity, an ultimate order to the chaos that is life. i think any attempt to order and quantify life just makes your brain all fucky. i should stop trying, but i can't. my stupid crazy mind won't let me, i just keep trying to order and make everything clearly defined and logical. i want to find patterns where none exist, and i want to stop trying despite the fact i have no hope of doing so.

i'm turning melodramatic

i can feel it, don't you just see it?

i don't want to work. i used to be able to just write, write, write about whatever i wanted, it just ejaculated forth from my mind in great sticky gusts, pages at a time just filled with tasty information. it came easily to me. it doesn't anymore. i have erectile difficulty of the mind, i need some viagra.

life is bitchy and it's pissing me off like hell right now

but on the other hand, everything will work out okay in the end

i hold both of those beliefs. they seem irreconcilable and they are. i hold them both, don't ask me how. i'm crazy, that explains lots of things. i could go see a psychiatrist, but that would just further my futile attempts to codify and define reality.

screw it, i'm going to sleep

punk music, old school rap, ravers, lolly pops, sugar, coca cola, slurpees, women, kelly dunlop (xoxo), cartoons, sleep, buddhism, good movies, television (the band), erica stefina, x-entertainment, snow, tacky clothing, friends (you know who you are), jimi hendrix, dancing, happiness, friendly people, excitement, mopey music, people who are really loud and funny, people who like me, little small statue figurines of stuff, christmas decorations, cloudy days, the smell of detergent, japanese bubblegum pop music, myself, dance dance revolution, green tea, indian food, chili peppers (the band and the food), having a head ache that mysteriously goes away on its own, making people happy, elite hackers, european trance music, fast internet, computers that do what you want them to when you want them to do it, ska music, those little magnetic poetry kits, duct tape.

new school rap, poppy punk, limp bizkit, mean women, jamie gough, television (not the band), tv evangelists, organized religion, people who aren't funny, bad movies, dirtiness, depression, rednecks, hardcore stimulants, people addicted to same, smelly people, saran wrap that gets all stuck together and shitty, writing stuff for english class when my brain's not in the mood, teachers who get all preachy to cope with their own insecurity, people who decide things for others, enemies (you know who you are too), school work, people who hate other people for crappy reasons, strong beliefs, myself, pro wrestling, its fans, scotch tape, 3.5 inch diskettes, small hard drives, maturity, ugliness in nature and human creation, not saying what you mean, slang i don't understand, french grammar.

well, aaron, thanks.

i thought i'd follow up that delightfully offensive spot with the work of a true master.

so, here, in the immortal words of johnny rotten, friggin' in the riggin' by the sex pistols.

It was on the good ship Venus
By Christ, ya shoulda seen us
The figurehead was a whore in bed
And the mast, a mammoth penis

The captain of this lugger
He was a dirty bugger
He wasn't fit to shovel shit
From one place to another

Friggin' in the riggin'
Friggin' in the riggin'
Friggin' in the riggin'
There was fuck all else to do

The captains name was Morgan
By Christ, he was a gorgon
Ten times a day he'd stop and play
With his fuckin' organ

The first mate's name was Cooper
By Christ he was a trooper
He jerked and jerked until he worked
Himself into a stupor

Friggin' in the Riggin'
Friggin' in the Riggin'
Friggin' in the Riggin'
There was fuck all else to do

The second mate was Andy
By Christ, he had a dandy
Till they crushed his cock
On a jagged rock
For cumming in the brandy

The cabin boy was Flipper
He was a fuckin' n----r
He stuffed his ass with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper

Friggin' in the Riggin'
Friggin' in the Riggin'
Friggin' in the Riggin'
There was fuck all else to do

The captain's wife was Mabel
To fuck she was not able
So the dirty shits, they nailed her tits
Across the barroom table

The Captain had a daughter
Who fell in deep sea water
And by her squeals we knew the eels
Had found 'er sexual quarters

Friggin' in the Riggin'
Friggin' in the Riggin'
Friggin' in the Riggin'
There was fuck all else to do
Friggin' in the Riggin'.....

there you go. in its entire (almost) uncensored glory.

enjoy.

quick post: i want a guest poster. then i'd be cool.
if you can spell and you suck cock then shout at me
i mean... uhhh.... DON'T suck cock
yep that's what i meant

screw the bleeplife, i'm giving it up. how many of you actually thought i could maintain TWO sites when chaosonline died after like two weeks? suure. your humble narrator doth be a horrorshow malchick but he still havest not in mind viddying crappy grades just so he can update his sites.

i'm out at the cottage tonight, kinda bored and mopey - see? now i can write. kel's out with droogys and i'm incapacitated (at cottage), therein lies why i'm mopey i suppose.

also, ifs you're wondering why i'm talking like alex from ACO (or wondering what the hell 'malchick' means and if it's legal), it's because i'm a loser. also i was provoked, i bought kelly ACO on video for her bday :))

hmm there was just an ad on TV that began with the words "what does safety mean to you?" "it means being protected!" "well that's why mommy and daddy have this." it turned out to be like a ford ad, but it was kind of exciting while it lasted.

i just finished reading atlas shrugged for my isu in english. i'm recalling something ayn remarked earlier in the fountainhead - i believe keating said that "something is not high if i can reason with it, something is not deep if i can see the bottom, and something is not profound if i can understand it" (or something along those lines). i know exactly what she meant. sure, maybe she was commenting on what she saw as a human failing, but it still holds true for me - if i can understand something pretty well, i sorta lose my respect for it. oh well, mrs rand is still one (?) of the great philosophers and novelists of the twentieth century. she taught me one thing through this book - respect talent greater than your own. go matt (nothing) matt (x-e) lizard (mrlizard) david (inf.jest) baron (geistmag) deth veggie (cDc) and everyone else i once got pissed at for being better than me. i still hate you on the inside, but i'll try to stop.

looks like NBC has finally regarded its viewers as children, they now have little quizzes during commercial breaks in their movies. the arrival is on right now (lame-o-rama) and there are questions when the movie stops for ads. wow.

i'm on mp3.com now - yeeeeah! listen to my music butt fucker

hmm

when youre dying giving up hope
living for smoking dope
singing that same old song
yeah yeah yeah its always the same
i got no
i got no
i got noo nothin in mind
i got no
i got no
i got noo nothin in mind

op ivy rules.

usually we have "big jeck"